Out on DVD: Five Movies That Helped Me With My Sexual Identity

When it comes to my sexuality, I’ll accept the labels of queer, bisexual, pansexual, gay, not straight, and Megan Fox enthusiast. I’ve been publicly out for over nine years, but I’ve known I was queer since high school. However, I grew up in an extremely conservative town, with a church on every corner, and the LGBTQIA+ community wasn’t welcomed by most. 

As a teen, I played off my feelings for individuals other than men as, “Oh, I just want to have sex with, marry, have children, and settle down with them, but I’m sTrAiGhT.” I lived in this space for years. However, as with everything in my life, there were movies along the way that not only helped me identify my sexuality but helped me come out and be proud of being a part of the community. 

That’s why, for this year’s Pride, I’d like to talk about those five movies: Rocky Horror Picture Show, Jennifer’s Body (who could have seen that coming), Saved!, Daria: Is It Fall Yet?, and But I’m a Cheerleader. Each of these movies seemed to come when I needed it, and each movie unlocked a different part of myself. And yes, we’re gonna get a little sappy in this one. 

Rocky Horror Picture Show: When I was 15, I was stuck at home with strep throat, and my mom tasked my sister with the coveted Blockbuster sick movie run. This particular run was especially life changing as she brought home two movies: Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion and Rocky Horror Picture Show. I still love both of these movies dearly to this very day, but I was absolutely enamored by Rocky Horror Picture Show. 

There was something freeing about seeing something so truly unique, and I think this was when I truly realized I wasn’t straight. I wanted to be out and proud and confident like everyone else seemed to be, especially during the pool scene in “Don’t Dream It, Be It.” I made every one of my friends watch it, and my mom bought me a shirt and a pink tutu from Hot Topic that I loved. I proudly wore it to school one day, and I didn’t even make it to the first bell without changing, as someone’s mom teased me about it in the parking lot. 

I only wore it one more time to a friend’s house because a close friend at the time burst into laughter when I walked in and obviously asked, “Baillee, what are you wearing?” After this moment, I kept my love of Rocky Horror public, and I would wear my shirt from time to time, but I felt like I couldn’t fully be myself, and buried the feelings I had further down. 

Jennifer’s Body: Next up is the least surprising movie on this entire list, Jennifer’s Body. I rented Jennifer’s Body from Blockbuster on a whim my senior year after it was released on DVD, and I count myself in the group who knew how genius this movie was from the get go. Karyn Kusama and Diablo Cody didn’t have to go this hard for us, but they DID. 

I immediately recognized the queerness of this movie, not because I was attracted to any of my friends but because I knew what it was to have a secret (those of you who pretend like you don’t read my stuff but actually do, you can unclutch your pearls because I wasn’t attracted to any of y’all in high school). I was INSANELY attracted to Megan Fox, but chalked it up as merely a “girl crush.” 

I also super knew I wasn’t straight when I was watching the infamous makeout scene (you know the one) because I was into it in the same way my straight male friends were instead of making weird faces or rolling my eyes like my straight female friends did. Again, if you know me at all, this is old hat, so let’s move on. 

Saved!: Saved! might surprise some people. If you grew up in an extremely religious small town and haven’t seen this, please just come back to my piece later and go watch it immediately. It’s a satire about religion and Christianity with everyone from Mandy Moore to Patrick Fugit, and it’s centered around Mary (Jena Malone), who gets pregnant after “God” tells her to sleep with her boyfriend, who tells her he thinks he’s gay. 

You might be wondering how on earth this movie helped me with my sexuality identity, but I promise it’ll make sense here in just a second. 

Like I mentioned earlier, I grew up in an extremely religious small town. My mom was a PK. I went to a youth group on Wednesday nights. Religion was prominent in my upbringing. Until my mom made the incredibly smart decision to leave when I was around 11, we went to a Southern Baptist, fire and brimstone church. Thus, when I realized I wasn’t straight years later, I had extremely complicated feelings regarding my sexuality. 

My freshman year of college, I met a friend who grew up near me, and she let me borrow Saved! one night and labeled it as “required viewing.” For those of you who haven’t seen Saved!, the aforementioned gay boyfriend gets sent away to a “pray the gay away” center called Harmony House. At the end, (spoiler) he and his partner show up to prom with the other kids from Harmony House. 

He has an altercation with the principal of the school, and when the principal of the school comments on his sexuality being a sin, he responds, “I know in my heart that Jesus still loves me.” To someone who knew they weren’t straight and was raised religious, this line was everything. 

Here was someone who was gay in a movie saying it was okay to not be straight because Jesus still loved you. Regardless of what a man told me from a pulpit. I know it may sound absolutely insane, but the impact this one scene had on me was monumental. 

Daria: Is It Fall Yet?: I’ve actually written about this movie before, but Is It Fall Yet? helped me put an initial label with my sexual orientation. The professor I TA’d for (Shoutout to Dr. Tere Garza) in college gifted me a $40 Amazon gift card my junior year, and one of the things I got with it was the Daria box set. I’d caught an episode of Daria here and there, but I’d never watched it front to back, so I binged it over Christmas vacation. 

When I got to Is It Fall Yet?, it felt like I finally had a name to put with how I felt. To give you the quick rundown, Is It Fall Yet? takes place between seasons four and five of Daria. Jane and Daria are on the outs because Daria realizes she has feelings for Jane’s boyfriend, Tom, and they kiss. Jane goes to an arts camp for the summer, where she befriends Alison (voiced by Bif freakin’ Naked). It turns out Alison thought Jane was bisexual like herself, and she was actually trying to hook up with her. When Jane confronts her later, Alison says she’s never wrong about anyone’s sexual orientation.

While I, in no way, think it’s cool to out someone before they’re ready or make assumptions about someone’s sexual orientation, it was the first real experience I had with bisexuality in media. When Alison was talking about dating men and women, a lightbulb went off. (Note: I hadn’t fully explored my sexuality at this point and realized I didn’t like just cis men and women, but I don’t just like cis men and women). 

I finally had a word to put with my feelings, and it was like a breath of fresh air. I still wasn’t fully ready to come out, but I was more at ease because one of my favorite shows of all time had some sort of representation for me to absorb. 

But I’m a Cheerleader: This is the movie that finally helped me come out. I actually watched this movie the day I told my mom. I wanted the love Graham (Clea Duvall) and Megan (Natasha Lyonne) had. I fully appreciated all of the satire. I knew my mom would still love me, and she wouldn’t send me away like Megan’s parents did. 

This movie made me realize I was ready to be out. I wanted to just be myself. I didn’t want to learn to vacuum and change diapers and graduate from True Directions. I wanted to date whoever I wanted to date. Without this movie, I don’t know if I would have come out when I did or if I would have waited longer. Either way, I’m glad it found me when it did (aka I watched it on Logo at my mom’s apartment the summer between my junior and senior year and then watched it off and on until I came out at 21). 

Honorable mention - Eliza Dushku: I just want to give a shoutout to my girl Eliza Dushku. I was obsessed with her and watched every single thing she did, and as an adult, I recognized it was because I had a big ol’ crush on her. Thanks for keeping it real, Eliza. 

P.S. To anyone in my hometown who doesn’t think my mother knows I’m queer, she regularly buys Pride merch to show she’s an ally, so let me know if you’d still like her number.