Introducing RIVERDALE IS CINEMA: A new Patreon exclusive column!

If you’ve ever read one of our articles, you might have noticed the plug at the bottom of each post for our Patreon. The Patreon helps us do things like give our volunteer-run editorial staff and writers stipends, keep up with website maintenance, and hopefully, continue to expand our coverage.

This year, as a special thank you for your support, we are launching a special column for Patreon only: RIVERDALE IS CINEMA, a weekly Riverdale rewatch/recap column written by me, Remus, HJ's managing editor. Every Monday I will take our patrons through at least one episode of CW's Riverdale, discussing the epic highs and lows and highlighting its cinematic resonances. Future updates will be posted exclusively for paid supporters on Patreon. It’ll be a little silly, a little informal, and hopefully, a lot of fun.

If you like what we do, or want to support one of the increasingly-fewer truly independent film criticism sites out there, you can join us on Patreon for as low as $3 a month. It means a lot to us! But without further adieu: Riverdale.

Riverdale was many things, most of them  contradictory. At once a loving homage to and a searing satire of Archie comics and Americana kitsch; both a carefully constructed pastiche of pop culture and a bafflingly bloated, miserable pile of forgotten plot points and story arcs to nowhere; somehow as gay as it was homophobic. And I loved every second of it. I lived and breathed Riverdale. I worked in a mall during the peak of their licensing contract with Hot Topic. Yes, I had the Jughead Archie Body Pillow. Yes, I make zines about Jughead. Like, a lot of zines about Jughead . 

And this love does not spring from a childhood affection for the IP. I never really read Archie comics, and I still don’t. But I remember when the first ads for Riverdale ran in 2017, that lightning in a bottle moment where I thought, hello, who is that hot dude in the beanie? And then holy shit, is that Cole Sprouse? And then, holy shit, is this Twin Peaks but with the Archie characters?

Of course, I’m a pervert, so I was hooked immediately.

In 2023, Riverdale finally said goodbye, but its tether hooks are still in me. Which brings us to this, the first installment in Riverdale is Cinema: a Riverdale recap column, a love letter, and a eulogy to one of the all time greatest teen television shows ever created. Folks, they don’t make ‘em like this anymore. They can’t! They’d get canceled after one season.

But wait, you may cry, is this not the Hyperreal Film Journal, emphasis on the Film? Indeed it is. But Riverdale is a work that truly transcends medium. It is monumental. It is extraordinary. And you, our lovely patrons, will get the first taste of all Riverdale is Cinema has to offer. Think of it as a fun bonus for supporting independent film journalism–getting to enjoy the mad ravings of your managing editor on a regular! 

Now, two small things before we dive into Season One, Episode One. First, the show ended in 2023: We’re past spoilers. One of the joys of re-watching is having the foresight of exactly how unhinged it will become, and I won’t be holding back. That said, if you haven’t watched before, and want to watch along with me, I’ll call out spoilers when they come up so you can preserve your innocence. That said, trust me, there is no meaningful way to spoil this show. There is nothing I can spoil in Riverdale that will make it a less deranged viewing experience for you, I promise.

Second, it’s worth noting that Riverdale’s showrunner is Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa, Chief Creative Officer at Archie Comics. If you’re unfamiliar with Aguirre-Sacasa, he is a man who, in 2003, attempted to put on a play he’d written entitled Archie’s Weird Fantasy, in which Archie comes out as gay and moves to New York. Archie Comics did not like this and shut it down on the grounds that Archie being gay would tarnish the brand. So, naturally, ten years later he became Archie Comics Chief Creative Officer. And then he created Riverdale. Just some fun context to keep in mind!

Season 1, Chapter One: The River’s Edge.

The first season of Riverdale is, compared to where it ends up, remarkably tame and fairly coherent. This is saying something, because it is insane out the gate.

The conceit of the first season is Twin Peaks, but with Archie Comics characters. It is a classic fanfiction move, the crossover AU, casting Jason Blossom (Trevor Stines) as our Laura Palmer. Riverdale’s creators are not coy about what they’re doing: the series logo is a deliberate nod to the Twin Peaks font; Mädchen Amick plays Betty Cooper’s mom. Like, there is no way the original pitch for this show wasn’t “what if Twin Peaks but Archie?”

In the first 13 minutes of episode one, we establish several key facts that will carry us through the first season and beyond:

1. Jughead is our omnipresent narrator.

2. Jason Blossom’s murder mystery will be the central throughline for the season.

3. Kevin is gay.

4. Veronica Lodge has just moved to Riverdale from NYC.

5. Archie has tremendously sculpted abs.

6. Archie is sleeping with his music teacher, Ms. Grundy.

These facts alone could carry an episode of a normal TV show, but in Riverdale? There’s 30 minutes left, baby. Strap in. 

Even if you didn’t grow up reading Archie comics, if you’re USamerican at least, you surely know the Betty/Archie/Veronica love triangle. Having Archie (KJ Apa) be in an illicit romance with his music teacher is certainly one way to side-step, but don’t worry, it’s still a thing. We meet Betty (Lili Reinhart) discussing her plan to ask Archie out with Kevin (Casey Morton Cott); both oggle his abs through Betty’s window, which conveniently faces into Archie’s room. This is a running theme of the episode: Archie Got Hot, and his Adonis-like physique renders him irresistible to all who are attracted to men in Riverdale. 

While Archie’s attempting to re-enact The Piano Teacher, Betty tries to tell him how she feels over milkshakes at Pop’s, the only restaurant in Riverdale. She’s immediately steamrolled by Veronica (Camila Mendes) wearing a knee length black hooded cape (iconic!). Ronnie’s just eager to meet some new hot kids. Archie all but cartoon awoogas when he sees her. 

But Veronica latches onto Betty pretty much immediately, acting as her motivation coach and wingman. Hell, she kisses Betty at cheerleading auditions to make a splash, a move that does not impress Cheryl, head cheerleader. Oh, wait, let’s talk about Cheryl Blossom (Madelaine Petsch).

So Cheryl is Jason’s twin sister and she’s really weird about it. She brings a Blair Waldorf energy to the dated halls of Riverdale high and runs her cheerleading squad like a tiny red headed Mussolini. She’s weird with Betty, because Betty’s sister Polly was dating Jason, and then something went bad and Polly ended up being shipped to a mental facility. The Polly/Jason drama runs under the surface of the broader Blossom/Cooper dynamic: don’t worry, it will truly get weirder.

In the meantime, though, B & V are cheerleaders now! Which is great for Betty, because Archie’s going to be on varsity football, and she’ll be a cheerleader, and their heterosexual coupling is basically destined, especially with Veronica helping push Betty into Archie’s arms. But the problem is Archie does not like Betty like that. Not even in a like, “oh he’s distracted by Grundy’s machinations” way. He’s clearly a little hot for Veronica from the start, but he just does not like Betty romantically. 

He’s also busy having a teenage identity crisis. He’s a football boy and his dad owns a construction company, two hallmarks of American manliness. But he also… likes music? As we all know, it’s impossible to do both sports and music, so this is a significant character conflict for Archie.

Not because he’s sleeping with the music teacher, to be clear. His newfound musical passion happened entirely separately. Which is awkward since Grundy’s the only one qualified to actually teach him music. She does not want to do this, but Archie more or less blackmails her by agreeing not to tell anyone that they heard a gunshot at Sweetwater River the day Jason drowned. Oh, yeah, and he does this little maneuver at the school dance. The school dance he’s at with Betty (and Veronica, technically). Betty tries to put the moves on him by pointing out that she’s a cheerleader and he’s a varsity football boy, a real Taylor Swift style confession, and Archie… kind of just looks around awkwardly until she gets the hint.

Cheryl catches this and invites Betty, Veronica, and Archie to her post-dance party, because fucking with Betty is her current life’s mission. They play 7 Minutes in Heaven, because of course they do. Cheryl somehow orchestrates getting Veronica and Archie in the closet together, Veronica gallantly tries to wingman for Betty but Archie is not having it: they’re teenagers, they’re in a closet, they make out. When they come out, Cheryl gleefully lets them know Betty dipped. Oof.

There is something worth highlighting in that closet convo slash makeout sesh: During Veronica’s questioning, Archie admits he’s “never felt whatever it is I’m supposed to feel with Betty.” As a teen romance, Betty and Archie are archetypal. The phrase “girl next door” gets thrown around at least 4 times. And Betty lines up her confession to those archetypes: She’s the childhood best friend, the girl next door, the cheerleader, she should be what Archie wants. But he just… doesn’t. She’s part of the self he wants to leave behind.

But he goes looking for her, after the party, and ends up at Pop’s, where we finally get to see Jughead interact diegetically with another human being. Cards on the table: I want these boys to kiss, and I’m not afraid to say it. When he enters the diner, Narrator!Jughead tells us: “He was looking for the girl next door. Instead, he found me.” 

Ugh. Yeah he did. 

This is the first time we learn of some tension between the two. They’re very bitter ex-coded in the first season. In my humble opinion. Anyway, they talk for like 2 seconds, Archie goes to talk to Betty, he tells her he’s not good enough for her for some deranged reason, they’re both upset. Hard cut to Kevin and Moose, another football boy, going out for a little wink wink nudge nudge at Sweetwater River. Where everyone comes to have sex in secret, apparently. Only instead of sex, Kevin gets, uh, Jason’s corpse! Jason’s corpse that has a bullet hole in the head! 

FINAL VERDICT:

Who Killed Jason Palmer?

MOVIE PAIRING:
It’s not a movie, but obviously season 1 of Twin Peaks. It’d be nonsense not to put them in tandem.

FAVORITE LINE: “Read my glossed lips, Justin Gingerlake. Not. Gonna. Happen.” - Josie, rightfully telling Archie off for trying to get them to perform his terrible songs. 

ARCHIE BISEXUALITY RATING:

Sadly, low. 

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