A Pissmas Carol, or, the Red One Review

The year’s almost over, so what better time for the release of a new “Dwayne Johnson smolders in front of a green screen for two hours” film? Sure, Red One was delayed, and the budget ballooned to $250 million, but at least no one from the cast pissed in bottles on set, right? Oh, they did? Well, that’s just Hollywood, baby!

Director Jake Kasdan’s latest pairing with Johnson after a couple of Jumanji reboots finds the actor taking on the tight red and green uniform of Callum Drift (a great, stupid action hero name for what that’s worth). Callum is the stoic, by-the-books bodyguard to Ol’ Santa Claus himself, played by a jacked J.K. Simmons (Whiplash). He’s on his way to retirement after hundreds of years of being Santa’s bodyguard, bro, and weightlifting partner. He tires of humanity’s growth in naughtiness, and sees them as a lost cause in keeping the holiday cheer going. Santa, though, believes in the better side of people; that genuine care and love for others ultimately trumps selfish, greedy desires.

The bulk of Callum’s arc relies on the tension of if he’ll ever come out of his pessimistic worldview, even as he has to deal with the fact that Kiernan Shipka’s dastardly Christmas Witch has kidnapped Santa. Thankfully, screenwriter Chris Morgan’s script has the perfect solution to Callum’s internal conflict: a shitty dad and infamous hacker played by Chris Evans! Not only does Evans’ Jack O’Malley help unintentionally kidnap Santa, he’s also a total loser of a dad to his son Dylan (Wesley Kimmel), treating the kid more as a casual friend than as his own flesh and blood. Also, Jack’s from Philadelphia! How gross, right?

Morgan and Kasdan don’t get cute with these two mismatched sourpusses’ character arcs. Do you really think Callum won’t come to realize that everyone, even a shitty hacker dad, has a bit of good in them? Will Jack really not learn that being an asshole to his kid is actually a bad thing? Red One isn’t here to create a gray zone of morality with its main characters. It just wants to get these actors paid while having their stunt doubles and shoddy CGI-avatars do all the fight and chase scenes. The final result is a project that feels like a hollow, cheap toy assembled in a factory with tons of OSHA violations.

The hollowness brims through every other aspect of the film. Mostly everyone’s acting comes down to “I’m just here to cash the check.” Johnson does his thing of being big, shiny, and stoically cool. Evans, a usually game A-lister, also takes it down a notch with his character, letting his in-and-out Philadelphian accent try to carry his “criminal turned hero” arc to the finish line.

Simmons and Lucy Liu meanwhile seem a tad more into the film they're making. Simmons, though, is chosen to be the film’s damsel in distress, showing up in the film’s intro and conclusion to display his impressive old-man muscles before getting knocked out. Liu, as the director of the aforementioned shadowy organization, gets more interaction with Johnson and Evans, but her character is like any other head honcho you’ve seen: steely, determined, and a bit badass in spurts. Kiernan Shipka (Mad Men), as the film’s villain, is too constricted by her “I’m evil” plainess, resulting in an antagonist that’s just kind of there. The film is simply more invested in making sure Johnson and Evans get all the screen time before letting any other character or performer get some room to bust their chops.

Thankfully, Kristofer Hivju (Game of Thrones) is down to have fun, donning well-realized prosthetics to bring Santa’s step-brother Krampus to life. While only in about two scenes, Hivju plays Krampus as an exiled king content to waste his days away in his castle through booze and slap-fights. It’s a character that’s imposing yet fun to be around, with Hivju capturing the character’s towering bitterness and hedonism. It’s a shame that the rest of Red One’s visuals lack the punch and reality of Hivju’s monstrous costume. As with many big-budget movies nowadays, every scene looks to be shot on a green-screen, but the blend is rough, creating a sludgy movie. Whether it’s on a beach in Aruba or at Santa’s wintry headquarters, Johnson, Evans, and every other actor that shows up in these locations does not look like they’re actually there, if you can even see them.

Even if it seems that everyone involved with Red One would rather be somewhere else, the talented cast and crew still manage to make this engaging enough. Johnson and Evans, even on autopilot, are still naturally charismatic, so in the moments where they want to actually have a little fun, like Johnson’s slap-match with Hivju or Evans’ quips, Red One gets somewhat close to the comedic promise of bringing these two performers on board. The larger world of Morgan’s script also holds interesting nuggets of fun. The North Pole, envisioned here as a sort of Christmas-y Wakanda, drenched in an invisible shield but housing a city of technologically-advanced holiday-themed buildings, offers some fun visuals like troll-ish elves and a polar bear named Garcia. Even the concept of a secretive organization monitoring mystical beings gets the audience to wonder what sort of creature will pop up next.

Despite inklings of genuine thought and creativity appearing here and there, Red One remains content to be a CGI-fest starring The Rock and Captain America. There’s nothing wrong with that, but one can’t help but feel jaded at the prospect of giving up time and/or money to watch talented people phone it in for two hours. Finishing this film ultimately makes one wonder: Were all those on-set piss bottles really worth it for Red One, Mr. Johnson?