CATS: A Master At Work

Rating: 🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆

Okay first off fuck y’all. Y’all think this movie magic shit is easy? Y’all saw what happened when they tried to do Sonic. All they had to do was make one little blue hamster man based off a video game and they fucked it up. I had fifty of these cat motherfuckers to figure out and honestly? I think they looked pretty good. Fuck me I guess?

Here’s what y’all don’t get. I don’t make movies for the money. I don’t need money. I have so much money that you don’t have. I have so much goddamned money. I have HBO fantasy series money. Do you have any idea how much personal wealth you have to accumulate before you are allowed to ask Sir Ian McKellen to adjust his fucking whiskers? No of course you don’t, because there’s only one me. God. 

So why do I make fucking movies? Three words: Free. Fuckin. Solo. 

Did you even see Free Solo you ungrateful Philistines? 

I am the Alex Honnold of making movies. Cats was El Capi-goddamn-tan and you fucks are the camera crew watching me swing by my dick from a crack in the wall 140 miles in the air hoping you aren’t about to watch me die. Actually wait no. Those are my actors. My actors are the camera crew with a front row seat to heights I ascend on a daily basis. Y’all are just the dumb dumbs who watched at home. It’s not even metaphorical! You’re just watching the fucking throne.

This is me:

God I am so jacked right now. 

There’s this old story about Howard Hawkes directing The Big Sleep and he gets confused about the plot so he calls up Raymond Chandler and Chandler’s just like “I don’t know” because the plot of that movie is bonkers and makes no sense. Did y’all want me to try and get the ghost of Andrew Lloyd Webber on the phone so he could find his old bar napkin notes from when he scribbled this thing out just to prove that he could? I don’t need em! No ropes! 

Free. Fuckin. Solo.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to make a marketable movie about Colin Firth with a stutter? No one does. It’s just me up there with my bare teeth around a crag and wind whipping my hair and I’m feeling JELLICLE.

Jellicle! Jellicle! Jellicle!

And I am sooooo tired of hearing about the plot being confusing. Really? Really?!? You were CONFUSED? The cats have a party every year where Dame Judi Dench sends one of them to heaven in a hot air balloon and they get reborn as another cat! Is that so fucking hard? Did you know cats have nine lives? Did you? 

God damn it.

Other directors saw SIRRRR Ian McKellen scream “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” and thought, “Well that’s the peak of that mountain” and I was like, “I bet I can ask him to do that in a cat leotard and make it halfway affecting.” AND I DID AND HE SAID YES. 

First y’all compain about me ruining Les Mis. Now this? Who the fuck else is gonna waste their time on Les Mis and CATS? Baz? You wanted Baz to do these? Like he wasn’t gonna have Taylor Swift do Shake It Out mashed up with Sugar Ray? Good luck with that you stupid fucks. No, I stuck to the fucking material. I let Taylor write one song (that turned out IN-CRAY-AH-BLAY) and I told her to “do a motif or some shit”. 

I even figured out how to get an audience surrogate on screen for the whole goddamned film and it didn’t feel that weird!

Here’s you fuckers watching me create dreams:

Y’all know I could have made those cats fuck right? I had the storyboards. My studio had some crazy DeviantArt vibes going on for a bit. And now I see all y’all complaining about sexual energy. CATS ARE SEXY. I can’t un-sexify fucking cats! If anything I held back! I could have had Jason Derulo in cut off jean shorts with a bulge so big you wouldn’t even know what to say.

I took out the bulges so you can bring your kids! That’s what I’m saying!

Does no one want to talk about how funny I made this thing? It’s funny as hell! Remember when James Corden was a fat cat? That was funny! Or when Rebel Wilson was clumsy and kind of scratching where her privies would have been if you were seeing my private NC-17 director’s cut? That was also funny! Y’all wouldn’t know funny if you got hit in the face with a pie made of rubber chickens. 

Y’all don’t even know what the fuck to say now huh? Cause now you fucked up. Cat got your tongue? 

Since when did people stop respecting a stunt? That’s what I was fucking doing here. How do interpret the following shots any other way?

There’s so much lavish good shit going on in these 12 frames. Painterly erotic shit. 

Y’all gonna tell me this isn’t fucking sexy? What was the point I was making?

God I’m so fucking good at this shit. I put a pearl necklace on that cat and let her just play in some feathers for ALL OF YOU and you COMPLAIN?!?! Shame on you. SHAME. 

HISSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!

Look. I’m getting too upset. All I’m saying is that if I had edited in 3 seconds of the A24 logo at the top of the film I’d be holding the Palme d’Or right now. Jesus Christ.