Jesus died on the cross for y’alls sins in his early 30s. I watched the horny CATS movie opening night so y’all don’t have to.

Rating: 2.5 🐱/5

Nothing prepared me for the amount of high key horniness in Cats the movie.  Furballs high on nip rub against each other and purr.  Dancing felines almost kiss each other on their human mouths but break away at the last second because the tension builds too hot and strong. The Jason Derulo cat nearly sucks on a foot covered in CG hair. The Taylor Swift cat sings about banging the criminal mastermind Idris Elba cat who wears a fedora and has smooth flesh colored fur and disappears other cats like some mixed-up Freddy Krueger.  

Did I mention this cursed movie also features choke play? A cat struggles against a giant necklace for what feels like hours. Rebel Wilson swallows motion capture cockroaches with children’s faces. The James Corden tuxedo cat named Bustopher Jones (kill me) deep throats a lobster and then pukes up a hairball. There’s even a cat threesome inside a garbage can! 

When Cats isn’t dry humping the walls like a furry jackoff tape, it’s parading a series of bizarre and uncomfortable Choices. Judi Dench lounges in a wicker basket for an entire musical number.  Ian McKellen, an old cat who loves the theater, laps milk from a saucer and meows directly into the camera. Ray Winstone shows up as a mangy gutter stray with a torn off ear and sings. Truly evil satanic black magic shit I can’t believe a studio funded with millions of dollars.  

Who thought this movie was a good idea?  It doesn’t even look finished. Bipedal cat people hover off the ground like glitching characters in a Sega Saturn game. Some cat crotches look blurred and sanded down like dolls. Faces almost slide off heads, CG collars clip. A hot air balloon or UFO or something cross dissolves into oblivion instead of disappearing into the clouds.  I swear I saw an unrendered feline arm with motion capture dots still attached. According to director Tom Hooper, he didn’t even see the final cut of the movie until a few hours before it premiered. Cinema, baby! Cats apparently had to beat the holiday rush to make families around the world confused and mortified all over again.

What is Cats even about?  I guess a cat dies and goes to cat heaven and then meets a bunch of other cats who sing about themselves one by one until the Judi Dench cat sends the Jennifer Hudson cat back to Earth ‘cause she performs a sad, showstopping number?  Andrew Lloyd Webber and T.S. Eliot were both cokeheads, which might explain some of the nonsense storyline and insane names like Rumpleteaser, Rum Tug Tugger, and Bombalurina. I still don’t know what the fuck jellicle means. All the cats have British accents to maintain fidelity to the source poems, too, I guess? Who knows! 

I can’t think of another recent movie that made me mutter “wow” to myself as I left the theater. A true experience at the very least, Cats isn’t necessarily a bad movie.  It’s never boring, some of the songs are kind of catchy, and the score features some sick primitive synth lines that sound lifted from some SOV horror tape. But I’m definitely scarred by the A-list humanoids scurrying around cleaning themselves and baring claws and hissing. Remember those motion capture roach children? They’re accompanied by dancing CG mice with human faces! At one point a dog barks offscreen, and I was TERRIFIED another Island of Doctor Moreau abomination would lurch into the light.   

Who is Cats even for? The TV commercials for the Broadway musical that played nonstop when I was growing up in New Jersey haunt me to this day.  So, I guess the movie isn’t for kids? As an adult, I’m more confused. I was the only person in the theater on opening night. No sane grownup wants to pay $12 to see cats prance and preen and nuzzle large and in charge on the silver screen? But if you’re morbidly curious or a pervert or just love singing mutant beasts, buy a ticket and take the ride.  Whether you love it or hate it or can’t unsee it no matter how long you close your eyes, you’ll never forget Cats.