13 Gates of Hell

In the dawn of this new era who is more inter/dis-connected? Pick and choose your own dystopia. 

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind  (2004)  Memory Erasure 

Self-quarantine is not so bad if you can lay around all day while Elijah Wood plunges your subconscious and frees your RAM of embarrassing family Christmas parties, past failures, awkward Tinder dates, and that time when… 

World on a Wire (1973) Simulated Reality

Is that an antique hair dryer chair? No, it’s your portal into the matrix… before the matrix. Population 9,000. What happens there? Oh you know… espionage, insanity, murder, identity theft, incarceration, Fleetwood Mac’s “Albatross” playing over sleek saturated German interiors…

La Jetee (1962)  Intermittent Time Travel 

Fuck memories. The internet is overrated. GTFO. Just go back—or forward depending on if the creepy hooded guy with chic eye-ware can get his shit together. Know what? I’ll go back to kindergarten and kiss Olivia on the monkey bars. Oh what could have been… 

Demon Seed (1977)  Siri

Self-quarantine with Siri and she’s GOT ARMS baby. Tell her to swipe left so you don’t need to lift a finger. Get her to open the fridge. Who needs Tinder anymore? Have her impregnate you while you sleep. Giving birth to the first singularity demon child will kill the boredom. 

Brainstorm (1983)  Live stream experiential playback— brain computer interface

Instead of crackin’ open some cold ones with the boys, just pop on your sensory/emotion hats and get Greg to chug one for you. You get to taste Greg’s bad breath. You also find out Greg is secretly in love with you, bro. 

Videodrome (1983) Virtual Reality

When your go-to Pornhub bookmarks lose their edge, grab your videodrome VR box-head and blast off into BDSM HYPERSPACE!

Total Recall (2084) Memory Implant 

Who needs airports? Who needs physical reality? Who needs a vacation? It’s 2084 and Elon Musk put us on Mars. Fuck traveling…just lean back and have fresh memories cathode-rayed into your cerebellum. Are you a blonde or brunette guy? Sporty or curves? Two tits or three? “GET YOUR ASS TO MARS!”

Robocop (1987) Augmented Reality

Fuck waiting in line at the grocery store to buy toilet paper. It’s dehumanizing. Keep what little of your dignity you have left and transmigrate into a shiny new gunmetal casing. Use your 80’s geo-tracking device to find available toilet paper within a 25 mile radius. Locate that TP “Dead or Alive, you’re coming with me.” Oh, don’t forget brown baby food for fuel.

Lawnmower Man (1992) Psychokinesis Interface

When things get really tough and flat out boring to the point of suicide… opt out and become 1s and 0s. Tap into the singularity, dude, and rule the universe. Coronavirus won’t find you in VR cyberspace.

Back to the Future (1955) Telekinesis Hat

Spend the day drinking milk shakes with Doc and Marty in 1955 and be Doc’s guinea pig for his sketchy telekinesis helmet. If all goes well at the stroke of midnight, Marty can drop you off in April 2021 and you can go swimming at Barton Springs.

A Clockwork Orange (1971) Ludovico Aversion Treatment

Can’t stop destroying the food in your fridge? That free 6 pack of East Ciders gone too quickly? Strap up… eyes wide… viddy some nazi propaganda while your partner drowns your glazzies with visine. You’ll be anorexic and sober in no time. 

Johnny Mnemonic (2021) Virtual Reality Internet 

Working from home can collapse personal space and make you feel claustrophobic. Are you feeling a bit nervous about who-finds-what on that ten year old external hard drive? Your sensitive data is safe with Johnny. He can handle anything under 300 Gigs. Or host a VR cyberpunk dance party for your cats.

Strange Days (1999) SQUID headset 

It’s the 3rd Friday of the month. You know what that means! It’s ladies night at Sahara Lounge. Put on your SQUID headset and load last month’s MiniDisc recording of ladies night. Better than nothing…