This piece by Laura de la Fuente was originally published by our friends at the amazing THEE GAY AGENDA! Thanks TGA, y’all are the best :)

Let’s be real, these quarantine times are weird times. If we’re fortunate, we’re cooped up with our hunnies, we’re forced to cook all meals, we’re talking to our families MORE?!, and everything is little question marks. We’re going to be in this state of isolation indefinitely, which at the time of writing this is a morbid thought.

But “stay home and don’t leave?” Lesbians and queer women have been preparing for this incuabtion period for centuries. We are THE insular experts.

So what’s a cooped up queer lady like myself gonna do?

I am re-watching my favorite lesbian, queer female and/or gay lady movies of all-time. And by favorite I mean the ones that make me smile, laugh, or guffaw. I didn’t include many downers in here, and that’s for the best. I explain what I mean at the bottom of this list.

Gonna list it up top that Portrait of Lady on Fire may be the best lesbian film ever made - five bush out of five. B̶u̶t̶ ̶i̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶y̶e̶t̶ ̶a̶v̶a̶i̶l̶a̶b̶l̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶s̶t̶r̶e̶a̶m̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶U̶.̶S̶.̶,̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶I̶ ̶w̶o̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶i̶n̶c̶l̶u̶d̶e̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶h̶e̶r̶e̶.̶ NEVER MIND IT’S ON HULU BECAUSE GOD IS A LESBIAN WOMAN. If you’ve watched it, DM me to scream about it and also talk about the best interviews director Celine Sciamma did on her Cannes-winning screenplay (hint: it’s this interview at BAFTA).

So. These classic lesbian films, these iconíque cinema femme duex bush, give me a sense of peace few other movies can. Let’s let our wooly mammoths grow long and go down this list together, shall we?

D.E.B.S. (2004)

D.E.B.S. is my favorite. Directed by lez-legend Angela Robinson (yeah who most recently directed “Professor Marston and the Wonder Women”), this movie is a comedy where a hidden test within the SAT leads four women to an underground academy for future secret agents including Meghan Good and Devon Aoki. At the core of the film, Jordana Brewster plays a villain named Lucy Diamond who may or may not have a romantic tryst with one of the secret agents. This movie is campy fun and also for real funny and cameos abound: Michael Clarke Duncan, Holland Taylor, Jimmi Simpson. It’s fun, it’s cheese, and it gayyyy.
How to Watch: Amazon Prime - $3.99 to Rent

The Early Works of Cheryl Dunye (1994)

Cheryl Dunye is a Liberian-American writer and director most recently known for directing episodes of “Dear White People” and “Queen Sugar.” In the early and mid 90’s, she was a pioneer filmmaker who focused on bringing visibility to queer, African-American stories. “The Early Works of Cheryl Dunye” is a perfect primer for this lesbian icon. The collection features six of her first short films, ALL of them highlighting feminism and black lesbians. She intros her collection by labeling it a “Dunyementary,” with self-taped interviews priming each short. Prepare to be charmed. Then after you watch this, continue to her opus, Watermelon Woman, the next film on this list.
How to Watch “The Early Works of Cheryl Dunye:”. You can access it via Kanopy with a public library card or university login

Watermelon Woman (1996)

In the similar vein as the Early Works selection above, Cheryl Dunye recorded a personal intro to Watermelon Woman. Because it exists, and because she rules, you should watch it. In the film, Dunye plays an young, audacious, black lesbian filmmaker who works in a video rental store trying to discover the true story behind an obscure 1940s black actress billed as the Watermelon Woman. Indie vibes abound, and it feels so very 90s. And in a time like now, it feels nice to be nostalgic for a dress code from another time— wait we all dress like this now...
How to Watch “Watermelon Woman”: Streaming for free on Amazon Prime.

But I’m a Cheerleader (1999)

RuPaul is in this. Natasha Lyonne is in this. Clea Duvall is in this. It is funny. It is hornnny. It is camp. It is not just a classic, it’s THE classic. Natasha Lyonna is a cheerleader in high school who realizes she may be into girls mid-handspring, so her parents send her to gay conversion camp. What’s A+ about this movie is that it brings brevity to those horrible places by removing their power and placing them in a cult of ridiculousness. Directed by another lez-legend, Jamie Babbit (of “Itty Bitty Titty Committee” lore), this movie will be healing for some, and enjoyable for allllll.
How to Watch: Amazon Prime - $3.99 to rent

The Con: The Movie (2007)

Ok look. Simply, Tegan and Sara made a movie while recording their album, The Con. Each track on the album has its own mini movie that goes over both the angst-filled recording processes and their own internal-Canadian-dilemmas. They host a DIY call-in segment called, “Forrest Fone in which they’re both vvvvery funny. They’re cute in a Canadian chipmunk way if that’s your vibe. They annoy each other in adorable Canadian accents. But I promise this, I won’t go my whole life telling you I don’t NEED THIS MOVIE. I need this movie.
How to Watch: YouTube has some of them or ask me to borrow the DVD if you like even HAVE a way to watch a DVD.

Room in Rome (2010)

We’re all more horned-up than norm this quarantine season. Why not put on the second-horniest film on this list? Girthy, warm cucumbers from room service will never look the same. The title of the movie says enough, and has a smoking star in Elena Anaya, who was so very good in Almodóvar's The Skin I Live In.
How to watch: This was on Netflix for 100 years I swear, but now it’s hard to find. If you’re a I-Know-How-to-Watch-Netflix-in-Another-Country gay, then you’re set. If not, don’t DM me because I don’t know how to do that either… (DM me).

Below Her Mouth (2016)

I’ll be honest, there’s shaved full-frontal in this movie. It’s 69 still frames away from actual porn. And it’s on Netflix. It’s purely a movie about fucking, as the title suggests, and maybe one thing enjoyably non-porn about it is… ok there’s nothing non-porn about this, it’s just a movie of fucking. A “fashion designer” and “a roofer” hook up a lot and that’s enough so GO WATCH!
How to watch: Netflix

The Feels (2017)

Maybe the most 2010’s-vibe indie film on this list, but this cozy romcom about a joint lesbian bachelorette party in the woods features Constance Wu as a lesbian, so that should be enough. Plus, real-good comedian Ever Mainard plays a character named Regular Helen and is a v v funny, horny butch - they steal the show in frames where Constance Wu is not present.
How to Watch: Netflix

Elisa y Marcela (2019)

Ok have we seen this one yet? It’s 100% in black-and-white and in Spanish (subtitles are extra hot during quarantine) and while it doesn’t hit the emotional depth of Portrait of a Lady on Fire, nor is its story well-told, nor is it that well-acted, it’s still gorjoooose! It is a period-drama set in the 1800’s about two women in Spain who at great lengths figure out a way to dupe their community into legalizing their marriage. (I won’t spoil it but it is based on a true story). Some of the acting is so bad it teeters on cheese, but that’s what makes it enjoyable - an unintentionally campy lesbian period piece. (Two) periods (at a time) piece? I’m sorry.
How to Watch: Netflix

The Favourite (2018)

Historical lesbian fiction based on loose-facts. Sign me tf up! I love the bratty bottom vibes in Olivia Coleman’s Queen Anne. Plus, Rachel Weiss and Emma Stone are terrifyingly hot tops. This movie gives me the humina-huminas and makes me cackle in joy. An entire movie was made on historical hot goss that won Oscars. Lolololololololol.
How to Watch: HBO

I left some classic lesbian movies off of this list because they don’t fit the mood right now. I don’t want to watch Imagine Me and You (it’s fine) or Kissing Jessica Stein (it’s ok) or Blue is the Warmest Color (the only good is when they do a dance to Lykki Li). And I don’t want to watch Carol again (Carol who is a Fuck Boi so said MadDyke and they right) nor Bound (Jennifer Tilly and Gina Gershon have hot sex, sure, but the subject matter is 2intense4quarantine) nor Gia (Angelina Jolie and Elizabeth Mitchell also have hot sex but the drug use is also too much for right now) nor Loving Annabelle or Chasing Amy (both boring) nor Disobedience (some of you may have liked this one, but it bummed me tf out in a not hot or fun way. NOT ON MY QUARANTINE RACHEL WEISS).

I almost included Booksmart on this list, but its queer story line is only 50/50 of the movie, so I couldn't add it in good-lesbian-conscious. But I’ll give it a shout-out cause it was funnnnnny.

Ok gays - off you go. Down into the belly of lesbian feel-good films. Come up for air often ok? Or just breathe through your nose...

Clam slam,

Laura de la Fuente
@lauradelafuentehaha

10 Classic Gay Lady Movies I’m Re-Watching During The Quarantine (AKA Lesbians Were Born For This Time)