Six Valentine’s Movies For People With Worms In Their Brain

I live in perpetual fear of the hetero vanilla fuckfreaks hiding among us; those vacuum-sealed perverts who go through life ingesting films like The Notebook and Across The Universe. It is a lifestyle I do not approve of, and I have dedicated my existence to avoiding it. If you can name more than two Ed Sheeran songs or enjoy the musical Rent, I do not trust you and I will not apologize. Go get a genital piercing or something.

Anyway, I’ve composed a non-definitive, non-ordered, non-“Vatican Approved” list of Valentine’s Day films for those of us who know better. You’re the only people I can trust.

TETSUO: THE IRON MAN / A SNAKE OF JUNE

This Shinya Tsukamoto double feature is for horny people only. I’ve written about Tetsuo: The Iron Man before, but it’s the all-time best film that ends with two men falling in love and joining to become a giant metal penis. This is preceded, of course, by a metal fetishist, a drill dick, and fucking in front of a dying man. Essentially everything you need to make sparks fly.

Once you're warmed up, it's time for A Snake of June. This is Tsukamoto’s most overtly lewd movie, rife with both surrealist sex nightmares and nearly normal human eroticism. I'm not sure the plot is important, but it has to do with liberating yourself from a boring marriage by orgasming in public restrooms. There's a lot of beautiful cinematography though, and we all know that's what really gets you freaks going.

POLYESTER

Divine as a housewife! Teenage delinquency! Canine suicide! John Waters’ Polyester is both a fun romp and a great litmus test. If you show it to your date and they can’t cackle at “The Baltimore Foot Stomper” or a meet-cute at a car crash, then they’re aren’t worth seeing again. None of the romance in Polyester really works out, but as Dr. Quackenshaw quips at the film’s opening, “some things in life just plain stink!”

AUDITION

If you wouldn’t let your partner wear big black gloves and stick needles in your body then you’re a coward and your relationship is worthless.

VIDEODROME

Videodrome is the urfilm for a very specific subset of horny people. Weirdo ’80s body horror meets sleazy backroom BDSM fantasies. Debbie Harry and James Woods (who will rot in hell) extinguish cigarettes on each other and play with whips. Machines moan and David Cronenberg says something muddled about sex and violence and the media. If you're on a particular wavelength, Videodrome will awaken something inside you. Explore that with your partner! Best of luck.

HOWARD THE DUCK

Howard the Duck’s love is a love which transcends time, space, and interspecies boundaries. She fucked that duck, y'all. She is absolutely fucking the duck. My man Howard arrives from halfway across the universe with an unwrapped duck condom in his duck wallet and you're telling me he ain't slinging that ducky style every night for the rest of their lives? Dude is making that pussy quack. Sorry everyone.