Rating: 🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰🚰

My name is Bobby Boucher, I’m 31 years old, and I play football for the South Central Louisiana University Mud Dogs. Recently I took in a matinee of Uncut Gems with Ms. Vicki Valencourt at the Picayune Cinema. Now Mama always says that them Safdie Brothers are the devil, but like Coach Klein says, what Mama don’t know won’t hurt her. Please don’t tell my mama that I am writing this review.

Uncut Gems is about Mr. Howard Ratner, who is a jeweler in New York City. Now Mr. Ratner talks faster than a possum tryna outrun a lawnmower and wheels and deals with just about every single person he meets. He’s a gambler, and now Mama doesn’t allow me to gamble, but Mr. Ratner sure does make it look exciting. I was dang near flying off the edge of my seat during just about this whole movie.

Mr. Ratner acquires a black opal to really get things rollin, then he lets the famous basketball player Mr. Kevin Garnett borrow the opal as a good luck charm. Things go south pretty dang quick for Mr. Ratner after that, as he’s tryna to chase down the opal in time for an auction, but he just keeps on gamblin’ even with some bad mafia men chasin him all over New York City.

Now Mr. Ratner is played by Mr. Adam Sandler, and even though I do enjoy some of Mr. Sandler’s comedic films, they sure ain’t anything like Uncut Gems. Mr. Sandler sure does seems like another person in this here movie, seein as how he’s got a bayou boat load of charisma and dresses flashier than my no-good-Daddy, Roberto. He was makin’ me root for Mr. Ratner even when he was making some of his dang near craziest decisions and riskiest gambles.

Now I ain’t ever been to New York City, but them Safdie Brothers sure do make it seem gritty and grimy, but also sparkly and rich. There are outside noises and conversations bleedin into just about every minute of this movie from the big city. This is very stressful but it’s also just about as exciting as whippin through the bayou on mama’s fan boat. It seems like a nice place to visit, but I think I’ll stay here with Vicki Valencourt and my mama, thank you very much.

The musical score is written and performed by Mr. Daniel Lopatin, who also goes by the name of Oneohtrix Point Never. I don’t quite know what that name means or how to pronounce it, and no one I ask seems to know either. Mr. Lopatin uses some kinda electronic synthesizer to make his music along with saxophones and guitars. Sometimes the music is just as energetic as the movie, but sometimes it’s quiet and nice, like some of the “New Age Tapes” that Coach Klein listens to.

All in all, I sure did like Uncut Gems. The only part I could NOT stand was when Mr. Ratner offered Mr. Garnett a Powerade. Powerade does not offer nearly the amount of hydratin power as a glass of high quality H20. Mr. Garnett, if you are reading this and are in need of an experienced hydration engineer, please do not hesitate to give me a call.

UNCUT GEMS: A Review by Bobby Boucher