Rating: 🚣🚣🚣🚣🚣

Growing up, my family worshipped in the church of Blockbuster. We used it as a cure-all for any physical or emotional ailment. When I had succumb to strep throat my sophomore year (which sounds way more dramatic and Victorian than it actually was), the traditional Blockbuster voyage fell to my sister, who returned with two offerings: Rocky Horror Picture Show and Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion.

If you know me at all, you know I’m dyed in the wool of Rocky Horror. I own it on VHS, DVD, and Blu-Ray, I have the soundtrack on cassette tape and vinyl, and I have multiple versions of the movie posters littered across my apartment; however, Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion imprinted on me on a deeper level. Mira Sorvino’s Romy White and Lisa Kudrow’s Michele Weinberger were mesmerizing. They were independent. They made their own clothes. They passed the Bechdel Test (which I wouldn’t find out until much later but still think it’s worth mentioning). To a 15-year-old who lived in small town Texas, had a platinum pixie haircut a la her idol, Natalie Maines, and felt that the only label she could really identify with was Fueled By Ramen, they were everything I wanted to be. To a 27-year-old who lives in Austin, TX, has long black hair and short bangs a la her other idol Lydia Deetz, and still feels like the best label to describe herself is Fueled by Ramen, I realize they’re everything I can be, but unlike Romy and Michele, I have no desire to attend my own 10 year high school reunion this year and would rather live vicariously through their wedges.

Don’t get me wrong, there are several people I would love to say, “You’re a bad person with an ugly heart, and [I] don’t give a flying fuck what you think,” to, but Romy and Michele also taught me you don’t have to impress anyone, so I have no desire to relive my pubescent years. On the flip side, I do have the desire to write about this timeless classic, so here goes nothing.

We open on Romy and Michele watching and mocking Pretty Woman (until Michele tears up and admits she’s actually touched by Julia Roberts’s character arc, which foreshadows that of Romy and Michele’s). It’s a familiar scene; it’s a lazy movie day with you best friend where presentable clothes are optional, and Doritos are required. It’s a simple intro, but it lays the perfect groundwork for the rest of the movie and effortlessly shares the tone of their friendship. Soon after, the two get ready for a night at their usual stomping grounds, where they decide that no men are worthy of their time and dance together instead.

The next day, Michele is confronted by the incomparable Janeane Garafalo’s Heather Mooney (think a mix of Daria Morgandorffer, Veronica Sawyer, and oh yeah, Janeane Garafalo), who reminds Romy of their impending high school reunion. Upon hearing Romy and Michele are still best friends, as the guy she was in love with in high school, Alan Cummings’s Sandy Frink, was in love with Michele, Heather has a total meltdown and denounces the reunion, which eventually segues into Romy and Michele’s reminiscences.

Yearbook in hand, the two head for the nearest diner, where the all to familiar high school politics of Sage Brush High are unfurled. Romy and Michele are revealed to be the kind of people I hung out with in high school; they were the people who didn’t take themselves too seriously, were unknowingly way cooler than the popular crowd, and had your back no matter what, making them the perfect target for The A Group.

I don’t really feel a need to describe The A Group because you probably already have a great mental picture of them from your own high school experiences. If you’re picturing a set of pretty and seemingly identical quadruplets that are trying to just get by in a hormonal haze like the rest of us but would never admit it, we’re all on the same page. The A Group’s ringleader Christi Masters has targeted our heroines for her latest lunchtime debauchery and decides to put magnets on Michele’s neck brace and eat Romy’s hamburger (there’s a whole running joke about Romy being fat high school when she isn’t, and regardless shouldn’t be used as a cheap plot point), so in true Romy and Michele fashion, they pretend to be unfazed by the ordeal by feigning laughter and walking away.

Unfortunately, Christi’s seemingly infinite mean streak continues the night of senior prom when Romy innocently asks Billy Christianson, her ultimate crush and Christi’s boyfriend, to dance. Instead of politely declining, Billy rushes to Christi, who causes a very public scene and pretends Billy is leaving Christi for Romy. An awestruck Romy is leave speechless on the dance floor next to a giddy Michele, and we see Christi and Billy ride off on his motorcycle. Much later, we watch as a defeated Romy sniffles next to downtrodden Michele who finally asks her to dance to Cyndi Lauper’s “Time After Time,” which I promise will be important later.

Later on, Romy and Michele attempt to fill out the life update paperwork (someone please tell me that isn’t a real thing you have to do) for the reunion. They are momentarily defeated, but Romy, fueled by her teenage torment, decides she and Michele can find fitness, jobs, and boyfriends by the time of the reunion. After working out endlessly, being rejected by every boutique and designer store, and trying such romantic avenues as Singled Out and AA, Romy and Michele are back at square one and understandably have a massive junk food bender. Michele is mindlessly flipping through a magazine and comments on how “all the top female executives are so pretty” when a stroke of genius hits Romy. They don’t have to be successful; they just have to appear successful to the members of their graduating class. What could possibly go wrong?

After pretending to sleep with Ramon, one of the mechanics at the shop where Romy works (another somewhat problematic plot line) to borrow a nice car and buying 1997’s finest flip phone (complete with a five inch antennae), Romy and Michele are Tucson bound. En round, the two make a pit stop and after an uncomfortable encounter with a server realize they haven’t created the backstory to support their lie. After workshopping a couple of ideas, Romy finally lands on Post-Its. Romy says she could have had the idea, and Michele’s family could have provided the financial backing, leading our beloved duo into a massive fight about who’s the “Mary” (Mary Tyler Moore) vs who’s the “Rhoda” (Rhoda Morgenstern), which is Romy and Michele for thinking one of them is more of a leader than the other. The fight culminates in the two agreeing to split once they hit Arizona.

Cut to the reunion. Romy not only meets up with Billy inside but finds out he actually did have feelings for her back in high school. Meanwhile, Michele is hit by a limousine owned by Sandy Frink, who has had a face transplant to make me more commercially attractive (I know it’s cringe-worthy but here we are). He and Michele start making out, only to be interrupted by Camryn Manhiem’s Toby floating by the sky roof to announce Christi is about to reveal the winners of the vote for “Most Changed for the Better Since High School.” Naturally, Romy and Michele are named the winners, and the two are whisked away by Billy and Sandy before having a chance to speak.

In grand 90s fashion, we flash forward several decades to Michele and Sandy in elderly makeup, where Michele is lamenting to Sandy, who encourages her to try to call Romy. Michele caves, and again, in true 90s fashion, calls Romy on a giant, “futuristic” video call to find Romy is actually on her deathbed. The two almost make amends when Romy says Michele has to admit she’s the “Mary, and Michele is the “Rhoda.” Romy starts to flatline as the two continue arguing, and Romy manages to flip off Michele when Michele goes to hang up the call, but the sounds of Romy’s failing vital signs and Michele’s call button begin blending with a car horn. Once more in true 90s fashion, this has all been a dream sequence, and Michele awakes in the car outside of the reunion, akin to Ebenezer Scrooge awakening after the menacing visit of The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come without the weird, long nightgown.

Once inside, we catch up with Romy, who is chatting with two-thirds of The A Group, and we learn Christi and Billy are not only married, but Christi is pregnant with her third child. Romy tries to disguise her hurt by peddling the story of inventing Post-Its but is quickly foiled by Heather, who decided to show up after all. Now fueled with ammo, Christi announces to the entire class that Romy and Michele tried to take credit for Post-Its during her welcome speech. Romy bolts out of the ballroom, and Michele darts after her. After the pep talk of the century where she tells Romy that she enjoyed high school because they were together, and that’s all that truly matters, the two toss aside their stuffy business clothes and re-enter the reunion as something even better: themselves.

Romy tells off Christi with the aforementioned “flying fuck” speech, and the two turn to leave. Near the exit, they run into Heather, who apologizes profusely. She had no idea that The A Group was harassing Romy and Michele and admits that she was inadvertently and indirectly harassed by Romy because Heather was in love with Sandy, and he was in love with Romy. Romy jokes that “[she bets] in high school, everybody made someone’s life hell,” and she and Michele are about to leave when Sandy arrives via helicopter.

Sandy enters and is immediately met by Christi who tries to flirt with him, but she is quickly dismissed. It turns out Sandy now has more money than God, boldly declares his love for Michele, and asks her to dance. Michele agrees but only on one condition: Romy joins them. As “Time After Time” begins to play, (told you it would be important later), the trio begin dancing in what can best be described as an amalgamation of dance moves from the likes of Climax, The Nutcracker, and A Night At The Roxbury. Sandy, Romy, and Michele receive a resounding round of applause, but Christi, hell-bent on not admitting she peaked in high school, tries to get in one final jab by criticizing Romy and Michele’s dresses. The fourth member of The A Group, Lisa Lunar (who is played by Elaine Hendrix aka MEREDITH BLAKE), steps forward to dissect exactly why Christi is wrong, as she is now the Fashion Editor of Vogue. The rest of their classmates swarm them to compliment their outfits, shoving Christi and her two remaining lackeys out of the way and giving Romy and Michele their much-deserved praise. Hearts soaring, Romy, Michele, and Sandy turn to leave thinking things can’t get any better.

As Romy is making her departure, she notices someone violently puking in the bushes. Lo and behold, it’s Billy Christianson, who reveals he and Christi been unfaithful to each other for years, leaving the paternity of her unborn child in question. With drool and dignity rolling down his chin, he asks Romy if she wants to get a room, and as the cherry on top of her redemption sundae, she sends him marching upstairs to get a room and strip down, giving him the same feeling of vulnerability and disappointment she felt all those years ago.

Sandy and Michele kiss, and Romy joins them in the helicopter. As they’re flying away, they spotlight Christi, who is swearing and searching for Billy in the bushes, and the wind lifts up her dress, revealing her stomach and underwear, in one final victory for Romy and Michele. After the reunion, we find Romy and Michele in their self-titled boutique with Heather, who even buys one of their designs, even though she “looks like an asshole.” We find out Sandy has fronted the two the money for their store, and we leave the two doing what they do best: being Romy and Michele.

Now, I get where they were going with Sandy and Michele. I get that the geek gets the girl, and it’s all about giving a chance to someone you blew off, but the real love story here is the one between Romy and Michele. If Sandy had a platonic relationship with the two, I would have been just as satisfied. You see, the only love arc I’m interested in is the one between Romy and Michele. Their friendship runs so deep and is so relatable. Their undying loyalty is the actual love story we need because it’s an accurate portrayal of female friendships. These two endure so much together, and even when they fight, their love is unwavering. At the end of the day, it’s Romy and Michele’s world, and we’re all just living in it. They may not have invented Post-Its, but they invented another way of looking at the complexities of female friendships and paved the way for movies like Bridesmaids, For A Good Time, Call..., and Booksmart, to name a few.

The soundtrack is incredible. With the exception of a couple cringe-worthy gags, the writing is great. We can relate to Romy and Michele on multiple levels, and if we can’t relate to them, we can sure as hell relate to Heather. We’re just given Romy and Michele as is, and that’s why this movie is iconic. They’re just unapologetically themselves, nothing more, nothing less, and in my eyes, they’ll always both be the “Mary.”

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