RESIDENT EVIL: Undead on Arrival

Rating: (the largest exasperated groan imaginable)

Lord Jesus almighty I spent several weeks trying to cook up a review on this turd but at the end of the day I decided it just wasn't worth mine or anyone else’s time. Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City is a great movie for people who love to play “I Spy” with ham-fisted source material Easter Eggs and chuckle when every single character jabbers the same sub-Whedon quips n’ quotables instead of speaking actual words which would issue from a human’s mouth. For the rest of us it is a tedious, insulting experience which lacks completely in scares, thrills, comedy, or even the enthusiastic wacko spirit of Paul W.S. Anderson & Milla Jovovich’s Resident Evil offerings. 

It is, in essence, the Funko Popization of a franchise; a series of key images and names and self-conscious references engineered just enough to be “Resident Evil” without a discernible soul of its own. The horror is laughable. The action is nonsense. The dialogue is grating. Neal McDonough, one of the great scenery chewers, winds up completely wasted. There's a funny bit where a CG cow gets got, but otherwise Raccoon City has nothing to offer anybody. Those who enjoy the original canon of Resi movies will be disappointed. Those who enjoy the games will be reminded that they'd rather be playing the games. Those with no exposure to the franchise will be confused by the cobbled-together, overstuffed narrative composed of two smaller, also-cobbled narratives. My heart bleeds for the woman seated next to me in the theater, her boyfriend explaining Albert Wesker lore as the credits rolled. I mean, actually, I'd probably do the same thing but at least I'd be kind of sexy about it.

If you're jonesing for a goofy sci-fi/action/horror blockbuster to keep you warm in these winter months, might I instead recommend the superlative Venom: Let There Be Carnage, a movie which at least was pretty gay and earnestly absurd and didn't try comparing a half-baked zombie narrative to the Flint water crisis. Perhaps, in several years, Raccoon City will garner laughs thanks to the truly bone-headed stupidity on display, but for now it’s such an impotent spurt of Hollywood monoculture “thing you recognize” filmmaking that the experience left me thoroughly depressed. Avoid entirely.