A Complete List of Everything That I Think Happens in Star Wars Without Ever Watching It

I am a 37-year-old American woman who has never seen any of the Star Wars movies. I’m sorry.

I mean no disrespect to the series. I gather that the Star Wars movies are very good, since they are beloved by many people who I respect. For all I know, I would love them if I ever saw them—though I’m not sure, since I have no taste, and my personal cinematic preferences run more toward Pitch Perfect 2 and movies with ballerinas. (Not like Black Swan. That one seemed scary. More like Center Stage.)

Plus I have this weird and inaccurate sense that I don’t need to watch Star Wars, because I already know what I think happens in it. I’ve made a list, based on nearly four decades of listening to conversations about Star Wars, watching comedy sketches that parody Star Wars, passing by strangers in Star Wars T-shirts, and riding Star Tours at Disney.

Now, I’m going to share my list with you. I have not done any googling whatsoever in the process of writing this piece, as that would provide me an unfair advantage.

Last thing I should say before starting, I guess, is “spoiler alert,” but I mean that in the loosest possible way, because 1) once an artistic work is more than, say, two years old, it’s your own damn fault if you still haven’t found out how it ends, and 2) I am making up almost all of this.

Here we go…

1) The first Star Wars movie was number four. The second was number five. The third was number six. The fourth was number one. The fifth was number two. The sixth was number three. The titles of these movies, in no particular order, are The Jedi Returns, The Force Strikes Back, Empire Strikes Back, Awaken the Force, Return of the Jedi, and More Star Wars.

2) The lead character is a man named Luke Skywalker.

3) There is another guy in the Skywalker family, and his name is Anikan. He’s Luke’s confidante. Or, you know, his second-in-command.

4) There is one female character. Her name is Princess Leia and she wears her hair in two buns on either side of her head. She’s played by Carrie Fisher, who used to be married to Paul Simon, which isn’t relevant to the plot of this movie, but is an all-star marriage nonetheless.

5) Princess Leia and Luke Skywalker have a romantic relationship but are also unknowingly brother and sister. Their mother died when they were in their infancy and forgot to leave a note telling them that they’re siblings. So when they meet up again years later, they commit incest. Actually, now that I think about it, Anikan is Luke and Leia’s incest-son. So these movies are really about Anikan working through those issues of his parentage. Leia and Luke feel guilty for bringing him into the world, but also they love him, of course, even if they don’t always know how to show it.

6) All of this takes place on a spaceship called the Starship Enterprise (unless that is the spaceship from Star Trek, in which case never mind). Also some of it takes place on planets.

7) There is an evil spaceship, too: the Death Star. The Death Star follows the Starship Enterprise all across the galaxy, hunting it down. The Skywalker family is on the Starship Enterprise, just trying to lead their lives—yes, complicated, messy lives, but they are doing their best. But no matter how far across space-time they fly, they can never escape the Death Star. Because the Death Star needs to destroy them. This is the crucial next step in taking over the entire universe, and making the universe evil.

8) Naturally, the Death Star is run by the bad guy. His name is Darth Vader, and his face is made of metal. Once he takes over the universe, his first evil action will be to personally tear off the faces of every creature everywhere. Darth Vader hates flesh faces. It’s a hatred spurred by envy, but he’s not self-aware enough to realize this. So maybe we shouldn’t call him “evil.” Maybe we should just call him “not self-aware.”

9) There is a powerful force called “The Force.” The Force is wielded via light sabers, which are sabers made of light. I don’t know how I can make this any clearer. Not everyone can use The Force, but Luke and Darth Vader can. Maybe Anikan, too. Not Leia, because she is a woman. Expert The Force users are called Jedi Masters. They are principals of The Force military academies, where they teach neophytes how to wage battle. The Force can be used for good or for evil, much like a real weapon, I guess, though tbh real weapons are mostly just used for evil.

10) There is a character named Boba Fett. What does he do?

11) There is someone else named Jar Jar Brinks. He looks like Boba Fett. Maybe these are two different names for the same creature: his real name is Boba Fett, but he goes undercover as Jar Jar so he can spy on the enemy.

12) There are Storm Troopers. They march endlessly and don’t have feelings, so when they kill each other it’s no big deal. Darth Vader is fond of them—as much as he is capable of feeling fondness for anyone, other than himself—because none of the Storm Troopers have flesh faces.

13) There is a creature named Chewbacca. He’s loosely inspired by Sasquatch. His name might sound like a Charleston Chew, but actually he is not candy. Don’t eat him. He has fur. (Much like Sasquatch.)

14) There is a robot named R2D2. This is becoming a very large supporting cast.

15) There is a wise good guy named Yoda. He rearranges the order of words in his sentences, as if he’s speaking ancient Latin, or trying to crack some sort of Yakov Smirnoff-style Soviet Russia joke. (“On Death Star, Force uses you!”)

16) Now there is a new character named Baby Yoda. He is either Yoda himself but from way back in the day when Yoda was young, or he is Yoda’s baby. Either way, audiences love him.

17) Darth Vader is Luke’s father. I bet you thought I wouldn’t know that one, but I totally did.

18) That is it. That is all I know.

19) I’d really believed I could get this list up to 20.