B Kool Stay N Skool: Cool as Ice

Cool As Ice (1991) is an American comedy/drama film, directed by David Kellogg, written by David Stenn, and starring rapper Vanilla Ice. The plot focuses on Johnny Van Owen (Vanilla Ice), a rebellious, motorcycle-riding rapper who arrives in a small town and meets Kathy, an honor student who catches his eye. Romance and drama ensue as Johnny deals with Kat’s ex-boyfriend and gangsters who are out to get her dad.

The film was a flop, grossing 1.2 million from a 6-million-dollar budget. David Kellogg disowned the movie. The rest of his career would include directing Inspector Gadget, early 2000s American commercials, and Playboy Films (he would go on to marry a Playboy bunny and have three kids.) The writer David Stenn graduated Magna Cum Laude from Yale University, worked in TV, and seems focused on documentaries now. 

Oh, I should mention Ice’s background. It turns out he’s a bad boy in real life (and not the cool kind). 1991: Arrested after threatening a homeless man with a gun. 2001: Arrested for assaulting his then-wife Laura. 2004: Paid a fine for expired pet tags after his pet wallaroo (similar to a kangaroo) and goat escaped and wandered the streets of Port St. Lucie, Florida for a week. 2008: Arrested on a battery charge for allegedly kicking and hitting his wife. The next day his wife said he only pushed her. 2015: Charged with grand theft and burglary after stealing furniture, a pool heater, bicycles, and other items from a Florida home he believed to be vacant.

Ice is also a bad boy actor, as in, he’s really bad at acting. Cool as Ice is a film that’s so bad it’s good though. It has a cult following because of it. If you look at any reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, most of them are bad, but a few are five stars.

These five-star satirical reviews inspired me to write my own five-star review. 

If you ask a stranger off the street who their hero is they will most likely give you a lame answer like, my dad, my mom, my high school English teacher. They might even say Lincoln, Gandhi, Jesus Christ, Tom Brady, Nic Cage, or Selena, even though they’ve never met any of these people. What a snooze fest.

I used to say The Joker. I’m not a perfect person, I’ll admit. The dude’s not even real. Then I watched Cool as Ice. I’m not the same man I used to be. After watching Ice shake his hips on the big screen in a nearby theatre, he became my hero and hopefully by the end of this article, he will be yours. If you’ve never seen Cool as Ice, please watch it right now. If you’ve never listened to Vanilla Ice, I’d recommend starting with “Havin’ A Roni.” Don’t ask what the lyrics mean, just enjoy the ride, man!

Johnny, a.k.a. Vanilla Ice a.k.a. Robert Matthew Van Winkle a.k.a. my hero, drops so many deep life-changing gems in this movie. I don’t normally cry in movie theatres because I’m a man but this film is a rollercoaster of emotions that had me throwing up my feelings at the end like a blithering idiot. Speaking of the end, everyone applauded and laughed. My friend turned to me and said,

“That was so fucking stupid.”

What? I looked around and heard audience members saying the same thing as they got up, laughing, mocking my hero by repeating his lines in a stupid voice, imitating his dance moves poorly. He was misunderstood. They wouldn’t let him cook. He is a tortured artist. But like all successful people he is hated. Is it because he’s a millionaire? Is it because he’s like, really good at riding bikes, like really really good and fast like? Is it because he is the first white rapper-ever? Is it because people are racist and he helps Amish people build homes?

I was gutted. I looked around and realized everyone else was a bunch of squares. The audience I was in was the suburban crowd Ice was fighting in the movie. My jaw dropped at this profound realization. If I’m the only one moved by this film does that mean I’m like….no, no, I am not worthy. If I wanted to be half as cool as Ice I’d have to work on it, so I started right away.

While driving out of the parking lot I saw a cute girl walking her dog on the street. What would Ice do? Immediately I thought of the scene of him cutting off Kat on his bike while she was riding her horse. In the film she almost dies and punches Ice as she gets up. Ice sees it as her being “playful” and somehow diffuses her anger with his dorky blond charm.

(It’s funny because it’s unfathomable for anyone acting this way to pick up a girl and the scene works on that comedic level. Under the surface, though, you can’t help but think that wasn’t the original intent of the scene as Ice acts nonchalant about almost killing Kat and some kids (who already idolize Ice) saw this in the theatres and took it to heart which is worrisome. From my own interpretation it seems Stenn wrote this film as a campy joke, but the cast (Ice) wasn’t on the same page. But I’m overthinking here and should cool off as Ice would say.

Ice read the script and said motorcycles and rapping I’m in, awesome. He saw himself akin to Elvis. He ad-libbed lines like “Drop that zero and get with the hero,” and “See you later, dick. It’s Nick.” He said that his love interest, Kristen Minter's performance was so good he thought she was actually coming on to him. QUOTE: (Ice 2021 yahoo! entertainment) “Like, we were having a moment. It got a little sexual there with the ice scene, when I was melting the ice in her mouth, dripping it, waking her up when I snuck in her window. Yeah. I love the sexual aspect of it. But the good acting brings out the best of you. For sure.”

Again, this scene works because it’s uncomfortably bizarre and humorous to watch but the thought of some kid seeing this and taking notes is unsettling. I’m unsure if he is joking or exaggerating by saying this, just as I can’t tell if the movie is an intended joke or a genuine reflection of what Ice views as a masterpiece. I choose to believe the latter because it makes everything that much funnier.)

So anyways, I pulled up in front of this girl and slammed on the brakes. She walked around, flipped me off, hit the hood of my car, and said some not-nice things that I will not repeat here to honor Vanilla Ice’s family-friendly style. Huh. He made it look so easy.

I was a bit heated, so I went down the street to a local hole in the wall looking for a fight, looking for love, looking to cool down. Unfortunately, everyone was nice and didn’t give me a reason to fight. Weird–in the movie Ice was assaulted at the first bar he went to maybe I’m not trying hard enough. I noticed a girlie sitting alone so I got her a drink. It was time to “schling a schlong” as Ice said. 

She said thanks but she didn’t accept drinks from strangers. I said, OKAY I’ll save it for my Homeboy, so where are you from? I’m from here, you? I’m from around. She started to grab her purse, fixing to leave. Hey, do you want to get out of here? I said, thinking of the nearest construction site for a good chase. (There’s a montage of this in the film, it’s fun and quirky because no one in their right mind would take someone on their first date to a house being built and chase them around the wooden frame walls and discarded nails on the ground. It’s more the sort of thing teenage boys might do when cutting class. Or psychopaths on a first date.)

I have to go see my boyfriend, she said. This was my chance. How about you drop that zero and get with the hero? I was waiting to use this one, when Ice dropped this line I wrote it down on my arm in the movie theatre (soon to be inked). She must’ve not heard me right because she walked away.

I stared at the ceiling fan spinning above my bed that night with my sunglasses on, where did I go wrong? In my dream that night I was back in high school and Ice walked in as the substitute teacher. On the chalkboard, he wrote, “You can act cool, but don’t dress a fool.” He looked at me and said “Facts.” I woke up in a sweat. Time to cool down.

That morning I spent what little money I had on vintage Stussy apparel and got a fresh brick wall fade at the local black barbershop. The barber said I looked like the Russian guy from the fourth Rocky movie. I said, no brother, Vanilla Ice. I asked if he knew of any hip-hop shows going on tonight, I needed to find like-minded cats you dig? He said he didn’t listen to a whole lot of hip-hop and most of his free time was spent working. For a second I thought I had wasted my time asking but realized I was “just cooling.”

I found a rap show that night and fate had it, the girl from the other night was there sitting at a picnic table outside with her chump boyfriend. I went up to them, without a drink but offered a hit from my Mr. Beast Berry Blow Ice Puffdaddybar. You axed me last night, I said. Sorry, do I know you? Ouch. The boy toy said, do you know this guy? That’s what she just said, dum dum. She said she didn’t know me and he asked me to leave them alone. Which car is yours? I asked. I had brought a baseball bat in case I needed to bust some windows while busting some moves. He wouldn’t answer my question and they left. I sat alone. I hung my head and stared at the table in embarrassment when I felt the weight of someone sitting down across from me.

What’s the matter Slick? I couldn’t look up, the weight was too heavy. Nothing my man, nothing is the matter. Girl problems huh? Say what’s up with the outfit? It’s a long story, but in short, my hero is Vanilla Ice and if I could be half the man he is, I’d have a girlfriend. He sighed, If you ain’t true to yourself then you ain’t true to nobody. My heart stopped and I quoted Ice from the film, “Live your life for someone else, you ain’t living.” I looked up and he was gone. I heard a lemon yellow 1991 Suzuki GSX-R750M rev up in the distance. I knew what I needed to do. I learned my lesson, I had to be myself, not someone else.

I sold my car the next day, got a lemon yellow 1991 Suzuki GSX-R750M, and went straight to the suburbs. Imagine that. Sometimes you just got to G-O. Sometimes you have to look yourself in the mirror and say, I’m not a ZERO, I’m a HERO. I’ve been knocking on doors and soon I’ll find the love of my life. In the meantime, I’m just coolin. Roll credits.