Ayy Lmao: Cinematic Proof Aliens are Real

Call me crazy, but I suspect other life lurks within the vastness of the universe. Microbes might crawl along some far-flung rock; space dust might bury some ancient alien civilization. Perhaps, some adventurous greys swung their UFO low to peep our primitive backward dying world. I often dream visitors from another star will whisk me away from this awful island, Earth. Watching these deep cut cinematic close encounters, both heartwarming and horrifying, give me hope we’re not alone on the sprawling intergalactic frontier. ABDUCT ME! 

Alien Beasts

Outsider filmmaker Carl J. Sukenik deconstructs the language of cinema and creates some sort of cough syrup addled glitch art primeval scream out of the smashed together pieces and twisted detritus. A transmission beamed directly from an alien hive mind that observed humans for a minute and then made a movie about them, Alien Beasts made me forget everything I thought I knew about cinema and trash horror and even life itself. I'm through the looking glass now, you guys. A movie doesn't need a plot or characters or synced dialogue or shot reverse shot setups or any sense of spatial clarity or even a moving image to work and really move ya. Throw some bleeps and bloops and pixels over a still photo of mysterious figure in front of a suburban home, repeat some expository narration, and call it a day. Add a couple of radiation zombies and some claymation monsters and interdimensional alien whatsits and bikini girls wearing paintball masks and bask in the glory of a backyard masterpiece better than any auteur cineprankster can cook up. If I had my way, Alien Beasts would play on loop on a golden television in the most traffic heavy wing of a prestigious museum of moving image. MY THIRD EYE HAS OPENED, AND I CAN NEVER CLOSE IT.

Cheech and Chong’s Next Movie

Laurel and Hardy, Martin and Lewis, Cheech and Chong! In their second feature film, the burnout comedy duo get abducted by aliens in an amazing sequence that looks like some stoopid stoner riff on the 2001 stargate jump. The benevolent visitors even give Chong a jar of “space coke” that blows minds through the stratosphere. Where can I find a flying saucer projecting such good vibes?

Communion

Christopher Walken encounters textbook grey aliens in this adaptation of Whitley Strieber’s tell-all abduction memoir. Some harrowing probe and human experimentation sequences make this movie a warning to the curious. At one point, an alien invades Christopher Walken’s home and peeks around a corner, which TRAUMATIZED me for years as a kid. But Communion also contains plenty of unleashed Walken histrionics to help the otherworld horror go down smooth. He sings and dances and does some weird voices and even kisses a hooded alien on the MOUTH. Maybe if these “blue little fuckers” chilled out, or I developed some Stockholm Syndrome like Walken, they’d grow somewhat tolerable? All this advanced technology and space travel, and the aliens in Communion just want to torture humans and play twisted mind games? Wack. There has to be a better use of extraterrestrial time and resources.

Deadly Spawn

Bernardsville, New Jersey represent! I definitely feel some extra love for this movie, since I did a hard 18 years growing up in the Garbage State. A weirdly insular, claustrophobic film with little to no exterior shots save for an obvious model set. The creature effects look spectacular for such a DIY low budget, and I love the horror fiend kid at the heart of the story! Sure, the alien might be a terrible writhing oozing mass of razor mouths hungry for humans, but maybe I could chuck it some pizza slices and show it a good time down the shore or in the city somewhere. Mountains, beaches, and forests all a short train ride from da Big Apple, baby. The armpit of America has it all!

D.T. in Dog Territory 

This movie is what happens when the 1988 lineup of the Cleveland Browns act alongside a dwarf furniture salesman ("Lil' John" Rinaldi) in heavy dawg makeup. He plays an E.T.-like magickal alien named D'ruhaul Temahawk (D.T. for short) who for some reason is on the run from other mixed-up anthropomorphic space creatures in lurid body paint and masks and facial prostheses. With some original FM power rawk tunes by Mike O'Brien & the Mob, D.T. feels like some throbbing woozy dream of Krofft Brothers' vomit I half-watched as a kid. I'm a sucker for strange non-actors, like professional footballers, and garish monster makeup and scuzzy lived-in period settings. The Cleveland Browns' "locker room" and "manager's office" and "parking garage" never looked better. Such a weirdly earnest and sweet and goofy picture that just wants to entertain and have a good time and celebrate those Brown Boyz in a down'n'dirty 20 minutes!

Feeders

According to director Mark Polonia during a live Q&A, Feeders was the most rented independent movie at Blockbuster in 1996 beating out Carnosaur and even Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering. I guess some people expected an Independence Day riff, but got cute li'l puppet aliens biting and probing nerds instead? I loved those beady eyed shrieking freaks and the cutaways to their POV. "The aliens didn't even have mouths." Mark said, "Which kind of defeats the purpose of calling them Feeders."  

Shout out to the cutting edge use of Videotoaster CGI to create the opening and closing sequences featuring flying saucers descending to Earth. "We tried to used models with stings, but it just looked bad." Mark said. Perhaps this layer of no-budget slickness put Feeders a slender extraterrestrial neck above the competition? Too fun!

Fire in the Sky

Somehow a TBS movie of the week turned into a Hollywood megabudget nonstarter where aliens drag D.B. Sweeney to their filthy spaceship and smear goop on his face. I would definitely not want to meet these probe happy little dudes, though. Perhaps this is like a monkey paw be careful what you wish for scenario? At the very least, Fire in the Sky makes an argument for us not being alone in this universe.

Little Boy Blue: Tiny Terrestrial

Just look at this li’l guy!  I wanna hug this Filipino knockoff E.T. and watch him acid drop on a skateboard.

Sightings

Unsolved Mysteries for the UFO conspiracy set. Watching local yokels recall abductions along with dramatic reenactments and junk scientific conjecture kept me up at night as an impressionable kid! Who knew something as simple as an alien mask peering through a window or a cheap approximation of a mothership could make li’l me anxiously search for fire in the sky. Peak ’90s Sci-Fi Channel trash!

Tartarus

Dave Wascavage, director of Fungicide and Suburban Sasquatch, presents a vision of hell as fractured time where an extraterrestrial torture table waits again and again no matter how far you run or escape into your memories. Some AMAZING no-budget CGI featuring underworld infernos, slithering demonoids, UFOs, sadistic grey aliens, and starscapes turns Tartarus into something like an evangelical scared straight net art installation. I don't believe in God, but the horror of an endless alien abduction loop made me think twice about misbehavin'!

Unarius Academy of Science

This California UFO cult full of sick glitter outfits and amazing unhinged public access content knows what’s up. They have a bunch of recruitment videos on YouTube if you want to prepare for the inevitable mass saucer landing of our Space Brothers.

Voyage of the Rock Aliens

There are two phases of my life: before rock aliens and after rock aliens. B.R.A. and A.R.A. I'll never be the same.  

Some of the original songs featured in this movie grate worse than a Stray Cats cover band, and I'm too young to remember who Pia Zadora was or why we should care. But I loved Voyage’s nonstop music video assault and cartoon crazy touches like a robot who turns into a fire hydrant and a polluted Great Lake with a sea monster! Voyage of the Rock Aliens beams down good time silly fun from start to finish. How can anyone hate a movie featuring Jermaine Jackson as the leader of some future punk gang, a dance number with underwear tangled feet beneath bathroom stalls, and sub-DEVO gobbledygook mutant new wave about riding a tractor? Abduct me, rock aliens! I wanna party with you ’til the end of time and space!

Xtro

The knockoff xenomorphs in this Alien ripoff look straight up dripping gross with pulsing orifices, swollen rubber appendages, and tactile grainy filth. I do not want a close encounter with these far off hellbeasts. Some of the gore sequences in this film, like a woman giving birth to a full grown man, made me feel unclean and unwell and unsettled. I wanted to wash my eyeballs once the credits rolled. Martians, please go home! 

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Editor’s note: Explore your favorite galactic conspiracy by creating a 15 sec - 4 min video for our next video zine!