The vitals:
7:00 ~ Doors
7:30 ~ NEVER TOO YOUNG TO DIE

Part of our SUMMER CAMP series!

It’s Stamos vs Simmons in the ultimate insane ’80s action experience!

Nothing says camp like ’80s action movies at their most absurd, and no ‘80s action movie is more absurd than Never Too Young to Die. Imagine, if you will, Gene Simmons (yes, of KISS) as Velvet Von Ragnar, a psychotic genderbent terrorist with a nightclub act and a plan to poison the (City’s? State’s? Nation’s?) water supply. Naturally, the only person who can stop Velvet is teenage gymnast Lance Stargrove (THE John Stamos), the petulant but exceedingly lucky son of an assassinated secret agent, aided by the sizzling Danja Deering (The Last Dragon’s Vanity).

Come for the overt homoeroticism, wild punk gangs straight out of a Mad Max movie, and Simmons stealing every scene like he was auditioning for Rocky Horror, stay for songs that describe what’s happening onscreen, Robert Englund as Velvet’s little schoolboy pet/henchman, and a wild misfire that producer Steven Paul really thought would be a James Bond for the ‘80s. You’ve never seen anything quite like this. And no, it’s not a coincidence that I share a name with this movie’s protagonist. It’s just that much fun. —Jackie Stargrove

SEE YOU AT THE MOVIES
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